One year ago yesterday, was the last time I've seen Kristina face to face. One entire year since the day I saw her off at the Airport, staying till the last possible second at security and then running to the next security hallway that I knew she'd have to pass by on her way to the terminal just so I could get one more moment of eye contact. We waved, we smiled, we saved face. I didn't even think to imagine that would be the last time I'd ever see her again. And then my life would spiral into Hell the following months.
One year later. I'm not emotionally unstable anymore. I won't break down in sobs. None of what happened makes me do that anymore. Now it's just a regretful blight on my life. I still go to sleep at night, and wake up wishing, even begging for it all to be back. My little moments of weakness when I rest my head on my pillow, the hoodie she gave me years ago still laying in it's place on the corner of my bed like it always has. Just one more little reminder in a world without her. I know I could just get rid of it. I know I could remove everything that has to do with her, just like everyone says to. But it's pointless. Six years of the most important part of my life? The girl is everywhere to me, and when I close my eyes it's her I see. So I don't even bother to pretend she doesn't exist anymore. I have her drawings of us framed on my wall. A little sketch of the two of us she made in a 5 year anniversary card she sent me. Her small clay sculpture of a Golden Retriever named Tristan that she created back in Highschool. It's still almost unbelievable she'll be 24 next year.
And my biggest regret to date? One I feel may never be trumped later down the road no matter what I do or don't do. I could still be with her, right now. If I had just done things differently. If I had just been a better man when she needed me to be. If I had just...calmed myself down during our fights, and showed her I wanted to fix us. I wouldn't have lost the love of my life. I wouldn't have lost my job. I'd have had a full year's worth of paychecks and Hell, I may have even followed through with my plan of being transferred to a Lowe's in Scottsdale. But that's not the route fate took. She always told me, things happen for a reason. If that's true then, fate wanted her gone. Fate wanted me alone, and beaten. Fate wanted me to go to a Psychologist. Fate wanted me to sit here, for God knows how long, alone because I know I'll never love again. I may be able to like other girls. I may be able to flirt, and banter, possibly even kiss and lust after them. But Love only makes me look back at one person. And that's why I know my future has already been decided. I'm not ignorant.
I had an interview at my old workplace. I'm hoping I can finally get back to doing what I was before all of this happened. I'm waiting for their decision.